Coming to Discipleship Training School (DTS) I had never thought that I would have to go through what I have gone through– well, am going through. “Picking up your cross daily” was just a phrase that I had heard in church back home; as all consistent church go-ers would do, I’d nod in agreement and say, “Yes, that’s good”. Yet, back in my small-minded world, I didn’t think about the weight that is carried with that phrase.
‘Picking up your cross daily’ was just a phrase that I had heard in church back home…
Let’s back up a little bit. Here’s what you should know about me: I’m from a small-middle-of-nowhere-town in Wisconsin called Winchester. I grew up in a christian home, and was raised up in church with the help of my grandma. As I got older, my faith was just a belief and good morals; I eventually stopped going to church and started to get into the party scene. If you knew me in high school, you’d be shocked. I believed in God and loved him but I didn’t know him.
…I eventually stopped going to church and started to get into the party scene.
After my freshman year of college, I got into some Trouble. After the incident, I reevaluated and realized I had fallen far away from who I once was, so I decided to go back to church. The church I grew up in never felt like home to me, so I decided to find a new church home. I decided that If I was going to go to church, that this time I would really be invested. I joined a community fellowship group, and eventually got involved with our kids and student ministries. A key point in all of this is that I started dating a guy during this time.
Over the course of about a month and a half, it slowly became clear to me that I had to surrender. “Surrender what?” was my question.
My boyfriend and I had been together for about 9 months. During this DTS, it had come to my attention that he had become a huge idol in my life. Over the course of about a month and a half, it slowly became clear to me that I had to surrender. “Surrender what?” was my question. Slowly, but very hesitantly, I finally started surrendering things that had to do with my boyfriend. Things like worrying about him and his faith, and not being fully present here because he was always on my mind. Now, I was hesitant in that I did not want to give up these feelings and thoughts, because I am selfish and want to be in control. But, the fact of the matter is, I wanted and still want a close relationship with God and I want to please Him.
I came so close to ending things with him. We had gone on a 3 week break to fast and pray, and hear the Lord about our relationship. I was so stressed and panicked about what the Lord wanted from me, that I knew I had to take time to seek Him. At the end of the 3 weeks, our relationship is coming out stronger, because the Lord is such a loving God and he is a redeemer. He knows the desires of my heart. The Lord just wanted my heart, my whole heart. I knew I needed to be okay with the fact that if He had asked me to seriously walk away from my relationship, that I would, and that I would be content with Him being my only love. I am still walking that out daily, picking up that cross and dying to my own wants.
Written by Jenna Pupp